I love blogging but not at 3:39 in the frickin a.m.

My damn arthritic toe woke me up and then I couldn't get back to sleep, and I only went to bed at 11. Grr. The radio is going to come on at 6.

So anyway, here I am, might as well do something with it.

I started looking for new blogs to add (like I don't already have enough...it's gotten to the point where I'm missing some good ones and letting days go by before I can catch 'em) and decided to add Rex Stout to the "favorite books" section of my profile. I stumbled upon Nero Wolfe almost by accident last month and wish it hadn't taken me so long. Then proceeded to check out some other bloggers who listed him.

I have discovered something interesting. Most of the Stout fans have been blogging for more than a couple of years, like me. New minor pet peeve: Finding a good blog and enjoying the first couple of entries, only to discover that there are no other pages and I'll have to wait several weeks before I can settle down to a good read.

A great many of the Stout fans also run multiple blogs with multiple teams, and quite a few (perhaps not surprisingly) share my interests in other areas such as movies and music, and rely more on words than pictures to convey information.

[static while I desperately surf, looking for something else to put here...]

Aha. CNN. My trusted source for blogfodder.

Here's an article in the Oprah section about how to disconnect from people who drain you.

Lest the link die someday in the too-near future, here's an excerpt -- the part that made me nod my head:

3. Play favorites -- Your ability to connect is a resource much more precious than money, so manage it well. Make a list of everyone to whom you feel bonded, then consider what kind of return you're getting on your investment.

It may sound cold-blooded to say you must divest yourself of the relationships that give you consistent losses, but unless you do this, you'll soon run out of capital, and you'll have no connection energy left to invest in anybody. So, please, decide now to deliberately limit the time and attention you spend on "low-yield" relationships. Above all...

4. Get rid of squid -- Squid is my word for people who seem to be missing their backbones but possess myriad sucking tentacles of emotional need. Like many invertebrates, squid appear limp and squishy -- but once they get a grip on you, they're incredibly powerful. Masters at catalyzing guilt and obligation, they operate by squeezing pity from everyone they meet.

Getting a squid out of your life is never pretty. Tell them straightforwardly that you want them, yes them, to leave now, yes, now. This will be unpleasant. There will be lasting hurt feelings. Don't worry. Squid love hurt feelings. They hoard them, trading them in for pity points when they find another victim -- er, friend. Let them go, their coffers bulging.

I'm discovering this thing that I call The New Introversion. More and more, just lately it seems, I'm hearing people declare that they like being alone and would rather not talk to others that much. If they're single, they want to stay that way. All of this takes me by surprise, because I've always been an introvert, as were my parents, and we all lived under the impression that we were somehow "wrong." The story that always comes to mind was my first day of school in the 4th grade. The average class size back then was about 30. The desks in the room were arranged in pairs. The only unpaired desk was one of the older, roomier models -- it sat in the back and I headed straight for it. The teacher (who turned out to be the bane of my childhood) came by to talk to everyone; when he got to me, he observed that I was not paired with anyone and asked "Aren't you afraid you'll get lonely back there?"

This man, by the way, was lauded far and wide as being some sort of "uber-teacher." Everyone wanted to be in his class. I know he entertained fantasies of being voted Teacher of the Year or something similar, because my non-conforming, daydreaming, independent ways had him tearing his hair out. He quite honestly did not know what to do with me, and tried every trick in the book to bring me into harness -- everything from consulting a psychologist to subjecting me to months of endless ridicule. In the end, he simply demoted me off the advanced-placement track -- and then proceeded to follow me around the school, trying to determine what kind of progress I was making without his divine guidance. My mother finally called the school and told them she wanted him to leave me alone. I don't remember anything overtly sexual in his behavior, other than bear hugs, but there was certainly some sort of obsession at work there.

Yes, he seemed to genuinely think I'd be "lonely" sitting in the back of a class with 30 other kids. I can't go so far as to say he was an idiot, but without a doubt, he was an asshole.

Forty years later, it still feels liberating to say that.

But that was the first inkling I had that wanting to be physically or existentially separate from other humans was abnormal. Through the ensuing years the same message came through in different ways, up to and including the girl, whose name I have long since forgotten, who made me miss the opening number at an Eric Clapton concert in the 80s because she needed someone to accompany her to the restroom.

The mindset is a common one. The article quoted above is welcome, just for its ability to reassure the introverted reader that "no, it isn't just me." I only wish it hadn't taken so long to unhook myself from one squid in particular.

Of course, the most common variation of the "must not be alone" fallacy is the one that leads people to marry the wrong person. Plenty of people still do it, but here again, I see the beginnings of a trend whereby a newly divorced or widowed individual will say "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, finito."

I love my spouse, but this is my second marriage, and if it should ever end it will be the last. You can take that one to the bank.

4:31. I'm getting back into the bed now in a last-ditch effort to snag another hour or so of sleep. Most likely if sleep comes, it will be crammed with weird dreams. Click Here to Read More..

Thank you Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: What is a polite way to let someone know that reading a book in your company, when you have been invited to visit, is offensive? -- NOT A BOOKWORM

DEAR NOT: Picking up a book and reading in the face of a guest is a not very subtle hint that you have overstayed your welcome. And the appropriate response should be, "Well, I'll get going now," followed by a hasty exit.

Oh, how I wish I could clip this and jump into a time machine back to my early teen years and hand it to ONE PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL who needed to see it. If anyone's confused as to who's who, I was the bookworm. She wasn't.

But she never got the hint. Ever. Click Here to Read More..

Introverts Hate This

Going on a "group weekend" with a bunch of folks, and trying not to think about what it will entail. Sharing sleeping space with several others ... the old "what'll I wear?" dilemma...my period's going to start any second now and it's already more than a week late. Overall, I'm sure it will be fine, but when you're an introvert you're always thinking "Where can I go off by myself and hide?" I don't know if I'll have the opportunity. At least it ends around noonish on Sunday so I'll be able to get home and unwind a bit before starting the work week.

In other news, I found a kindred spirit among the local folks in town, who can't just "up and go" on a 2-hour lunch anytime he wants. I encountered that last year -- my boss gave me hell about it months after the fact -- so I haven't been able to make any of the periodic lunch gatherings they have. Possibility of using some vacation days later in the year...that's something to look forward to. Click Here to Read More..

10 (or more) Things I Hate About Me

1. I am overweight. Fat, pudgy face, double chin, huge saggy D-cup boobs, enormous lower abdomen (I used to have a pretty slim waist by contrast but that's gone bye-bye the past 2-3 years). Huge arse, big thundery cellulite thighs. If I ever win the lottery I am going straight to Lipo-land.
   
2. I don't have or make enough money to fulfill my few materialistic urges; I have to worry about making ends meet; I'm draining money out of my IRA just for everyday expenses. I have a good understanding of long-term investments, but put 3 bucks in my pocket and I'll either lose them or spend them unwisely. I'm so absent-minded I frequently record upcoming bills in Quicken but forget to program the payments into my bank's online bill-pay form and then I end up paying @^%&! late fees. I'm not making much money because although I've been in the work force for a good long time, it's only in the last five years or so that I've made a concerted effort to behave like an adult in the workplace. That means showing up on time, mainly. It also means when someone asks me to do something and says "...but no rush," it means do it right fucking now. I've only recently come to understand that concept. Self-sabotage has been a huge elephant in the living room of my life; part of the reason I've been unusually happy lately is that I've discovered the key to monitoring my own behavior and giving myself useful feedback, rather than going along blithely in a state of utter cluelessness and then feeling poleaxed when people got fed up with my behavior and cut me loose. I've finally learned how to listen with a third ear, read between the lines and take hints!!! I'm actually looking for ways to improve myself, rather than assuming I was perfect and not in need of any improvement.
3. I'm not as smart as everyone thought I would be when I was growing up. I make dumb mistakes in vocabulary when I should know better; I'm at about a 5th-grade level in math (which probably relates to the money woes). I wouldn't say I'm ADD, but my concentration could be a lot better. I most definitely squandered my school years and I wish I had 'em back.
4. I'm not the domestic type. Other women seem to have this knack for making their homes just fit together like a picture. Mine looks like Amateur Night. I'm a hopelessly sub-par cook, too.
5. I have very little musical or artistic talent--including photography and crafts. I can only express myself through writing, and even there my talents are very inconsistent. No athletic ability whatsoever (being inactive contributes to #1 above...)
   
6. My emotions get the better of me. I don't cry much, but I get "upset," which means speeding out of control, yelling, throwing tantrums and just having instantaneous, unplanned reactions to things that make me look like, to put it bluntly, some kind of nut. Granted, this was role-modeled for me throughout childhood -- our home was loud and chaotic most of the time. A blind person walking in might think six or seven people lived there, when in reality it was just us three. I'm working on the emotional thing.
   
7. I'm very introverted and socially awkward. The introverted part, I understand. Introversion is (see the link that follows) a chemical process: http://publicaffairs.uth.tmc.edu/hleader/archive/Mind_Body_Soul/2005/introvertsvsextroverts-1221.html so I don't beat myself up over it. I've also discovered ways to dig out from under the introversion a bit and enjoy the "outside" world. Up until my late 30s, I was "living in my own private Idaho," and amazingly cut off from life that was going on all around me. No wonder I was lonely! I'm narrowing that gap between everybody else and myself to a large extent, but I still get tongue-tied in crowds and have this doofus tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. The internet has been incredibly helpful for me. I can sit on a message board and communicate in the way that's most natural to me -- writing -- but also get immediate feedback and keep up with real people in real time. I don't believe in God -- but it's a godsend.
   
8. Related to the above, I've wasted a huge chunk of my life just stuck inside this little shell, not getting out more and experiencing more. On the other hand, this could be part of what's kept me somewhat childlike and "youthful." I look a lot younger than I am, which could be nothing more than my insulated nature showing itself on the outside.
9. I've done a poor job of planning. Again, it's only in the last 5 years or so that I've started understanding the connection between what I do in the next 20 seconds and how it could potentially have a direct impact on the next 20 years. I've been very passive throughout my life, just letting people sort of push me in the direction they wanted me to go in (parents and ex-husband, chiefly, but also some "friends," who I've recently jettisoned from my life, hooray for me).
10. I've done a very questionable job raising my son. I know Doug played a major part in Wally's troubles, but dammit to hell, he's a beautiful person and some of the decisions I made were not the best ones.

Well, that's 10. There might be more, but those pretty much cover the bases. Click Here to Read More..