Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Why I'm Here

I'm thinking this might be the blog where I let myself bitch and moan and get negative. I don't do much of that on other blogs because as mentioned before, people know who I am. It's not a matter of wanting to be phony, but I definitely self-censor. Probably because in my pre-'net years when my diaries were handwritten or typed in Word, I did plenty of venting, and then later, when I read the things over, I got depressed!

I even discarded my diaries going all the way up through my late 20s, before Wally was born. From that time forward, there was some journaling, but not that much. I transitioned over to more of a log format -- just recording things that happened each day. That has proved surprisingly useful. But by and large, I've fallen away from the "emo" style of journaling.

I need to get some of it out of my system, I think. I caught myself doing it a bit on a message forum that I participate in. Last night I was in a fairly foul mood, and that might be PMS. I kind of let it rip and still feel a little uncomfortable saying those things to people who generally have a good opinion of me. What I basically said was -- the question was 'what do you think is the meaning of life' or some such -- that life sometimes has too much meaning, and the casual conversation you have today can go so badly wrong, you're feeling the repercussions for years to come. I also expressed the opinion that life ought to get a bit easier and simpler to figure out as we age, but instead, these stupid potholes in the road just seem to appear out of nowhere and you're back to square one. There are days when life seems like more of a struggle than it needs to be.

Again, my overall state of mind is not a negative one. I had one huge depression that lasted 4 years, and then it lifted. I did go to a therapist, but she was a disaster; I considered reporting her to the American Psychological Association. The thing that got me out of the dumps was having a few key things start going right (or less wrong at least) and building on that.

I also need to mention here that I "lost my religion" about 5 and a half years ago. I had been a born-again Christian for 15 years and one day I just stopped. Just like that. I got tired of waiting for "God" to do something for me. I got tired of saying "Thank you" for whatever little crumbs of good luck came along, only to find them taken back a day or two later. This was during a long stretch of unemployment. I have not been unemployed that way since. I decided that EVERYTHING in my life was going to be MY responsibility. No one else's. No God, no people, nobody but me. I don't find it that daunting to accept the blame when things go wrong. It keeps me focused and shortens the time needed for absorbing events and learning from them.

I belong to a free-thought church, which I joined almost on impulse but have greatly enjoyed. I have some small curiosity about matters of the spirit, but my exploration of those will be entirely on my terms.


Okay, on to the next topic. I'm active in my neighborhood association, having been asked by several members to serve on the executive committee. I seem to be having trouble with "TL," who is also on the committee. She's the one I have the most contact with, and I'm starting to get the impression that she's a moody type. She will text or e-mail me something, and when I respond with a question about what she said, I get no answer. I mean, we're having a back & forth conversation, and suddenly, it's like space aliens came along and snatched her off the earth. I won't hear a peep out of her for days. She's either very moody or very scatter-brained. Either way, it's tedious to work with her.

Okay, that seems to have gotten it out of my system, at least for now. This may be blogspot's most depressing blog ever. We'll see...

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