Sunday, July 06, 2008

Restless and Dissatisfied

Not a bad weekend overall; just not feeling content.

As always, stressed about my work with the community. I've got the minutes from two recent meetings in front of me; they need to be transcribed before they get too stale to remember what the scribbles represent. Also need to organize the big binder to hold minutes and other documents, months by month. So all the paperwork I've accumulated so far is spread out on the floor.

I'm going to be leading a church service next month. No doubt I can put it together -- actually, it's one of those sink-or-swim, do-or-die situations where I can worry about it all I want but bottom line, I have to make it work.

I'm also worried about the role I play at church, for which I have always felt unqualified, and now I have an entire year to find out if that's true or not.

I worry about my job. Just a couple of months ago (and I should have known better than to ever do this) I was blogging about how it's such a great gig, best ever, etc etc. Earlier this month the entire job description was changed, and I don't know where it leaves me. And my annual review is coming up next month. My boss has a long memory. You make one mistake and she pins the whole review on that. Of course, I'm not that naive. Companies do this all the time in an effort to minimize the amount of money they have to pay you. And so I'm updating my resume on the major job search sites.

And then, of course, there's everything else. Like, the economy. The upcoming election. Which ties in with my job. If I lose this job, I'm probably going to be in some serious trouble.

Missing my cell phone and sunglasses, both of which were lost on the trip. Tomorrow I have to get over to the cell store and see how much this deal is going to cost me. Can't do anything about the glasses right now because my insurance is only good at eye doctors that have bankers' hours. First available day I can get an appointment will be Tuesday the 15th.

My health. I'm probably about 40 lbs overweight and it's really starting to have an effect. I have heartburn and acid reflux nearly all the time now -- it went a long way toward ruining this weekend for me. I lose sleep at night and find myself making it up at odd times during the day. This afternoon I sacked out on the couch and had a really vivid dream about my mother. Carl called to be picked up from work and after I hung up I just sat there blinking, trying to figure out what day it was and what planet I was on.

I started using St. John's Wort earlier in the month, recognizing that the depression was starting to creep back. It seems to have made a difference; I have more energy. But with the trip last week I got out of the habit of using it, and I think this gloomy little post is evidence. Better get back on track or my worries are going to turn into self-fulfilling prophecies.

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