Don't dress like you come from the wrong side of the aisle!

Mike at TangledupinBlueGuy offers us a fascinating story about students at the University of Northern Iowa being ejected from a McCain rally. It appears visual profiles were used by campaign staffers to identify the students as, well, "not our kind."

A lack of photos in the article makes it impossible to figure out what the staffers saw to aid in their decision. Stories like this tend to make me imagine myself in this type of situation.

I'm fairly confident that I would go under the radar of any hypervigilant staffer, regardless of the event. I don't think my outward appearance could ever be "typed" -- I'm your classic fade-into-the-woodwork sort.

So what would I need in order to get myself thrown out of a McCain rally?

Let's see...a suit or a dress would allow me to stay UNLESS it were a peasant skirt. Hmm. Screams "hippie!" Ditto for something too revealing. A formal-looking Jackie-Kennedy type dress would work OK, even if it were black, but otherwise, it would have to be pastel or floral to pass Republican muster. Unless I sported an American flag pin...then I'd be waved through.

Shoes. Nice, low-key sandals and properly pedicured toes would get me the GOP stamp of approval, as would pumps. But nothing that looked too "comfortable." No hiking shoes or subversive-looking sneakers. If I were a guy, well okay, but no decent Christian girl runs around in feminist footwear. "Real" women prefer to "mince & wince."

Hair -- a biggie. Bleach-blonde is fine and better than fine, and subtle streaks would work OK, but no garish reds from the bottle or other non-natural colors. And if my actual color is anything darker than "brownette," I'd do best to plop a wig on my head or go for a lightening job. Don't want to look too witchy. Of course, if I happen to be African-American, nobody's going to believe I really want to support McCain. No point in even trying to get into that rally. ...or Cedar Falls Iowa, for that matter...

The style should be neat, freshly cut, preferably kind of on the straight side. And not so short that anyone wouldn't immediately know I was a girl. No wild perms or untamed manes. Must look preppy. A ponytail is fine as long as it's adorned with a cute scrunchie or other ornament.

Jewelry should look like I borrowed it from Mom. Precious stones that came from African mines with darker-hued natives doing the hard work. No wood or stone jewelry -- that's for the Haight-Ashbury crowd, dontcha know, and that includes the cross around the neck. That always gets worn on the outside, but it doesn't have to be too big -- think Madonna and you'll understand the size restrictions.

McCain girls smile at all times. Why? Because they have no worries. Hubby, or Daddy, or their hockey mom will be close by to protect and shepherd them at all times. It's only those angry liberal women who forget how to turn on the charm.

Guys want to look like they either stopped by on their way back from Iraq, or the duck blind, or the office. No shorts, no pink, no hairstyles that look like they might have been fashionable in the 1970s.

And smile, fellas. Show that entrepreneurial spirit!

Remember, it's not how you feel, it's how you look. Remember to look mahvelous, dahlink, and you get to keep your seat. Good luck...