It occurred to me a day or two ago that the last 20 years (soon to be 21) have been the toughest in my life! First Mom died, right after the first of January 1990. Then my marriage to Doug began to unravel (the unraveling took 5 years, but looking back, the signposts are very clear). Then Dad died. Then 2 years after that, we both gave up our jobs to start a business that fell flat on its ass. Then the divorce. Chicken pox, a car wreck. Single parenthood. Two ID thefts in 5 years. Conflicts with Doug.
My relationship with Carl was overall pretty positive, except for the fact that he turned out to be a lemon in the stepfather department. So from there, I had to contend with trying to keep Wally, Carl and Doug happy. Throw into the mix my own bumbling management of my life, and the sudden recognition of my own chronic cluelessness just before turning 40. Depression. More dumb decisions. Lousy work habits that came back to bite me. Moving, first to NY, then back to Atlanta. Now here. True, my inner life has changed very much for the better since moving here, but financially it's been a very tough uphill battle. The year and a half that Wally spent with us certainly didn't help that. My own "perfect" health also began to fail.
So it's been tough. But the best thing, I think, is finally being able to SEE that it's been tough. Finding a pattern and consciously deciding what to do about it. I can now focus on breaking this "jinx." 20 years ago I would have assumed that this would happen "if God willed it." I'm truly grateful to now have as my motto, "If it is to be, it is up to me."
2 comments:
Life is a continuum of learning. And it sounds as though you have learned a great deal in the past 20 years. Just think how wise we will be at 80!
It remains to be seen whether 80 is a worthy goal to strive toward.
But you're so right about learning. 'Tis not a pleasure to be clueless.
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