Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The Teeter-Totter

I've known for some time that worry over money is my main trigger for depression. I think it's the helplessness -- the idea that there's nothing I can do but stand on the shore and watch the tsunami head my way. My worst money moments have coincided with my lowest lows.

But this time around, at least I don't feel that "impending doom." I know I'm solid at work. I'd better be, for their sake. Marilyn and I are now the only two people doing our job. The third member of our team, the temp, has left. Marilyn and I are splitting the two regions she was working on. I have a few months before my next review, but the time since the last one seems to have gone by very fast, so all I have to do is hang on.

Had to take care of a traffic ticket today. Talk about ups & downs. As I'd been told to expect, the judge reduced the amount I owed by a substantial amount and I was almost doing a happy-dance out of the courtroom. But then I got to the little room where I actually paid, and there was a lot more tacked on for court costs. It seems to be that way all the time, lately. A good moment, followed by a not-so-good one, and vice versa. Money worries give rise to so many other negative thoughts.

Wally's going to college in a few months. I'm virtually unable to help him financially at all. I know Doug "disapproves" of me for living paycheck to paycheck. From time to time I encounter people from long ago, my teenage years, and they will say things like "Gee, we all figured you'd be a lot more successful than you are -- what happened?" But I try to conjure all the positive thoughts I can -- I have a full-time job; I have my health; I'm an owner and not a renter; my marriage is solid, etc etc etc. My church helps. I know life could be a whole lot worse. I think of an acquaintance of mine who was injured in a wreck the other day. To (literally) add insult to injury, from all appearances the accident was his fault. It could be tons worse. But I hate having debt hanging over my head. Again, it could be worse. It's been worse.

But it makes me so tired.

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