Saturday, February 14, 2009

10 Things My Mother Taught Me About Sex

Note: Okay, this really is meant as humor, though everything listed here actually was said to me by my mother, either directly or by implication. This, in the midst of bragging about how open-minded and "hip" she was compared to HER mother.

Not sure why I feel the need to warn that some may find this offensive, but in any case, consider yourself warned.

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day!

1. All men have a "thing."
2. If a man is in your bedroom but doesn't see a bed -- just a studio couch -- he won't think about sex.
3. French kissing? That's when a man tries to kiss you, but then he goes and STICKS HIS TONGUE in your mouth!
4. If you're about to have a romantic moment and then one partner gets distracted for even a second, it will kill the entire mood, and you might as well just forget it.
5. It is the height of rudeness for the man to ask the woman if she enjoyed it.
6. If you're holding hands with a boy and he scratches his finger against your palm, that's a signal that he wants to have sex, so you should avoid him.
7. I've heard that there are some guys who actually want you to put your mouth on "it." Or they want you to let them stick it in your butt.
8. I understand that sex can actually be quite pleasant.
9. Don't sit with your legs apart. Someone will come along and try to stick something in there.
10. One day, if you're not careful, some man will come along and force you to lie down and "connect" with him. ["connect" was the term I invented for intercourse when I first learned about it]


Kay Dennison said...

LOL!!! Ahhhhhh yes!!! A mother's wisdom!!! I never told my daughter any of those things but my mother never told ne much of anything.

Lugosi said...

Well, I'm certainly turned on after reading that! Where's my cat...?

Al Penwasser said...

This is something for the guys which I learned from-sadly-personal experience. If, after "connecting," she asks you, "How was that?" Never, I mean NEVER, reply, "How was what?" While you may think you're being playful and uber-witty, this is not a good comeback. Incidentally, I was told "Get off me." Ah, youth!